The Perfect Match

The simulator

1. Step 1 of 7 First contact

   One evening, a message arrives from someone you don’t know. His photo shows a handsome man in his sixties with a warm smile.

   R

   Richard EllisonSocial network

   You're not friends with this person.

   1. They wrote: Good evening. I saw your photos in the gardening group and your roses are beautiful. I hope you don’t mind me saying hello.7:52 pm
   2. They wrote: I’m Richard. I’m a widower and an engineer, working on an offshore oil rig for a few more months. It can be lonely out here.7:53 pm

   Read this aloud

   What do you do?

   Not sure? Show a hint

   What about his job would make it hard to ever meet him?

   1. Reply warmly and accept his friend request. He seems kind, and he’s lost someone too.

      Risky choice

      It’s natural to respond to kindness, especially from someone who seems to understand loss. But this is how these scams begin: a friendly stranger, a sad story and a job that keeps him far away. Accepting can also let him see your photos, friends and family, which helps him shape his story.

   2. Reply politely, but don’t accept the request or share anything personal.

      Better, but not the safest

      Better. You haven’t opened up your profile. But replying tells him you’re interested, and these scammers are very patient. The safest step is to check who he really is before saying anything.

   3. Don’t reply. Check his photo with a reverse image search, or ask a family member to help, and report the profile if it’s fake.

      Safe choice

      That’s the safest choice. Photos in these profiles are often taken from someone else, and a reverse image search can show the same face under other names. If you’re not sure how, a family member or friend can do it with you in a minute.

   Red flags at this step

   • A message from a stranger with an attractive, “too perfect” profile
   • A sad story straight away: widowed, lonely
   • A job far away that explains why he can’t meet: an oil rig, the military, a doctor overseas

   What's really going on

   The FTC says romance scammers often claim to be “working on an oil rig, in the military, or working with an international organization.” The job is chosen so that meeting is always impossible. Friendly online groups are a common starting point: a 77-year-old woman in Edinburgh met someone in a Facebook chat group who called herself Alla and said she worked on an oil rig in the North Sea.

2. Step 2 of 7 The hook

   Suppose you do reply. Richard is funny, attentive and interested in your life. After a few days, he asks to move the conversation.

   R

   Richard EllisonSocial network

   1. They wrote: I love talking with you. The signal on the rig is much better on a different chat app. Could we talk there instead? It’s more private.8:10 pm

   Read this aloud

   What do you do?

   Not sure? Show a hint

   Who benefits if the conversation moves somewhere more private?

   1. Download the app he suggests. Better signal makes sense on a rig.

      Risky choice

      It sounds practical, but moving off the social network is a key step for the scammer. The network can spot and remove fake accounts, and you can report him there. On a private chat app, it’s much harder for anyone to notice and step in.

   2. Say I’d rather keep chatting here, and tell a friend or family member about him.

      Safe choice

      Well done. Staying where you met means the account can be checked and reported. Watch how he reacts: someone genuine will be fine with it. Someone who keeps pushing is telling you something.

   Red flags at this step

   • Being asked to move to a different, private chat app
   • A reason that sounds practical: better signal, more privacy

   What's really going on

   Moving you somewhere private is one of the most common steps. In a case reported by Fox News, a woman in Southern California was contacted on Facebook by someone pretending to be a TV actor, who then led her to set up a WhatsApp account. The FBI warns about anyone who seems too perfect or quickly asks you to leave a dating site or social network.

3. Step 3 of 7 Winning your trust

   Many people do move apps. Over the next three months, Richard messages every day. He calls you “my darling”, talks about retiring near you, and sends a video.

   R

   RichardChat app

   1. They wrote: Good morning, my darling. The sea is rough today, but thinking of you keeps me going.6:02 am
   2. They wrote: (Video) Richard, on a windy deck, smiles and says your name: “This is just for you. I can’t wait until we’re together.”6:04 am
   3. You wrote: Could we do a live video call tonight? I’d love to really talk.7:15 am
   4. They wrote: I wish we could. The internet out here can’t manage live video. Soon, I promise.7:31 am

   Read this aloud

   What do you do?

   Not sure? Show a hint

   Has he ever talked with you live, face to face on screen?

   1. The video says my name. That’s proof he’s real.

      Risky choice

      It feels like proof, but videos like this can be made with AI, or pieced together from someone else’s footage. In one real case, a fake video addressed the woman by name as “my queen”. A recording can’t answer a question you ask in the moment.

   2. Keep asking for a live video call, and ask him to wave and hold up three fingers.

      Better, but not the safest

      A sensible test. Expect more excuses: the signal, the camera, his work. After months of excuses, the excuses are the answer. The strongest step of all is talking to someone you trust.

   3. Tell someone I trust about him, and show them the messages and the video.

      Safe choice

      That’s the strongest step. A friend or family member who isn’t caught up in the feelings can often see what’s hard to see from the inside. Scammers work hard to stop you doing this, which is exactly why it helps.

   Red flags at this step

   • Love and plans for the future within weeks
   • Messages every day, often at the same times
   • Videos and photos, but never a live, two-way video call

   What's really going on

   Romance scams are run like a business. Workers in scam compounds have described using AI chatbots to write flirtatious messages. Pre-recorded “proof” videos are common now: a 77-year-old in Edinburgh was convinced by videos of a partner who didn’t exist, and lost £17,000. The FBI warns about anyone who promises to meet in person but always has an excuse.

4. Step 4 of 7 The pressure

   One day, Richard asks for something new.

   R

   RichardChat app

   1. They wrote: Please keep us private for now, my darling. Your family wouldn’t understand. They’d think I’m after something. When I’m home, they’ll see how happy I make you.9:40 pm

   Read this aloud

   What do you do?

   Not sure? Show a hint

   Why would someone who loves you want you to hide him from your family?

   1. Agree. It’s our business, and I don’t want an argument with the family.

      Risky choice

      It’s understandable to want to protect something that feels precious. But secrecy is what the scammer needs most. Once you stop talking about him, no one is in a position to spot the warning signs with you.

   2. Tell my family or a close friend anyway. Anyone who loves me wouldn’t ask me to hide him.

      Safe choice

      That’s right. A genuine partner wants to meet your family, not hide from them. Talking to someone you trust is the best protection there is, and you don’t have to be sure it’s a scam to do it.

   Red flags at this step

   • Being asked to keep the relationship secret
   • Turning you against family: “they wouldn’t understand”

   What's really going on

   Isolation is a deliberate tactic. In the Southern California case, the woman’s daughter said her mother “was being groomed not to share this information.” The FBI lists attempts to cut you off from friends and family as a warning sign.

5. Step 5 of 7 The ask

   A few weeks later comes the first request. It’s small, and it sounds sweet.

   R

   RichardChat app

   1. They wrote: It’s my daughter’s birthday on Saturday and I can’t get to a store from the rig. Could you buy two $250 gift cards for her? Just send me photos of the backs and I’ll pay you back when I’m home.5:15 pm

   Read this aloud

   What do you do?

   Not sure? Show a hint

   Have you ever met him in person?

   1. Buy the cards. It’s for his daughter, and it’s only $500.

      Risky choice

      It seems a small kindness, and that’s the point: it tests whether you’ll pay. Photos of the backs of gift cards let him spend the money straight away, and it’s very hard to get back. Requests nearly always grow after the first yes.

   2. Offer to mail a present to his daughter instead.

      Better, but not the safest

      Kind, and it keeps money out of his hands, but he’ll have a reason why that won’t work. Any request for money or gifts from someone you’ve never met is the moment to stop and talk to someone.

   3. Say no, kindly but firmly. I don’t send money to someone I’ve never met in person.

      Safe choice

      Exactly right. The FTC’s advice is simple: “Never send money or gifts to a sweetheart you haven’t met in person.” If he’s genuine, he’ll understand. If he sulks, pleads or gets angry, that tells you what you need to know.

   Red flags at this step

   • A first, small request for money
   • Gift cards, and being asked for photos of the numbers on the back
   • A promise to pay you back

   What's really going on

   The first request is usually small and hard to refuse: a birthday, phone credit so you can keep talking, a travel fee. In the Southern California case, a request for $500 in gift cards was what first worried the woman’s daughter, who later found about 110 gift cards. The FTC says romance scammers ask for gift cards, wire transfers, payment apps and cryptocurrency because the money is hard to get back.

6. Step 6 of 7 The ask

   Suppose some money has changed hands, or he has simply kept asking. Now Richard says his contract is ending, and he has shipped his savings home ahead of him, to you. Then this letter arrives by email.

   International Freight Clearance

   NOTICE OF CONSIGNMENT HOLD · Ref. IFC/0917/HX

   Dear Consignee,

   A secured box declared as “personal effects and funds” in the name of Mr. Richard Ellison is being held at our clearance facility. You are listed as the receiver.

   Release requires payment of the customs clearance fee of $4,850 within 72 hours. Unclaimed consignments will be forfeited.

   Payment must be made by wire transfer to our clearance agent. Do not discuss this consignment with third parties.

   [Stamp: CLEARED FOR RELEASE ON RECEIPT OF FEE]

   Contact: [email protected]

   Read this aloud

   What do you do?

   Not sure? Show a hint

   Would you normally pay a fee to receive a gift of money?

   1. Pay the fee. It’s official paperwork, and then his savings will be safe with me.

      Risky choice

      The letter, the stamp and the reference number were all made by the scammer. There is no box and no savings. Paying the fee won’t release anything; it will lead to another fee.

   2. Email the clearance office first to check it’s real.

      Risky choice

      The email address on the letter goes back to the scammer, so of course they’ll say it’s real. Only check through contacts you find yourself. Better still, show the letter to someone you trust.

   3. Stop. Show the letter and the messages to my family, and call my bank.

      Safe choice

      That’s the right move, and it’s never too late, even after months. A fee to release a box of savings, gold or cash is a well-known romance-scam story. Your bank can help you stop any payments you’ve already started.

   Red flags at this step

   • A fee to receive money or valuables
   • Official-looking paperwork from a company you can’t check for yourself
   • A deadline, a threat (“forfeited”) and “do not discuss this”
   • A contact address that doesn’t belong to any real company

   What's really going on

   The FTC lists a package that needs “customs or some other made-up fee” among romance scammers’ favorite lies. Fake paperwork is part of the kit: in the Edinburgh case, the woman was asked for $2,500 for a helicopter flight off the rig, backed by documents that looked official but were fake.

7. Step 7 of 7 Afterwards

   Some people pay, then pay again as new fees appear. Then Richard asks for a different kind of favor.

   R

   RichardChat app

   1. They wrote: My darling, a business partner is sending me $8,000 but my accounts are frozen while I’m abroad. Can he send it to your bank account? You’d just need to send it on to my agent. It’s only a favor.8:22 pm

   Read this aloud

   What do you do?

   Not sure? Show a hint

   Whose money is it, really?

   1. Help him. It’s not my money, so what’s the harm?

      Risky choice

      The money is very likely stolen from someone else, perhaps another scam victim. Passing it on makes you what’s called a “money mule”, and your bank account could be closed or investigated. The FBI says someone you meet online who needs your bank account to deposit money is most likely using it for other theft and fraud.

   2. Refuse, stop replying, and report everything to my bank and the police.

      Safe choice

      That’s right. Stopping now protects you, and the next person he targets. Keep the messages, receipts and letters as evidence when you report it. Being deceived by professionals is nothing to be ashamed of.

   Red flags at this step

   • Being asked to receive money and send it on
   • Frozen accounts, and fees that never end
   • Later: anyone who offers to get your money back for a fee

   What's really going on

   When the money runs low, scammers often try to use their victim’s bank account to move stolen money. Later, the same criminals, or others who’ve bought their lists, may come back as a lawyer or government agent offering to recover your money for a fee. That’s a second scam. AARP found that 55% of people over 50 who lost money to a romance scam never reported it, often because of shame. Reporting helps, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.